Christmas Children

Do you remember what Christmas was like when you were a little kid. Like REALLY remember??? When as soon as December hit, it felt like a whole other year before Christmas would get here.  Each and every day was the longest day, and the month dragged on forever.  A child on Christmas never has to worry about finances around the holidays, they go with dad to buy moms presents, and mom to buy dads present, and maybe gather up a couple dollars to buy them a candy bar as a surprise.  The holiday travel worries never cross their mind, they just go where everyone else goes, and don't even think about it.  They don't need to decide which family to visit, when, what gifts, nope! they just open and enjoy.  And what about baking!!! baking is not a stressful activity where you have to make enough cookies with enough variety to make a cookie plate for every single person you know(because heaven forbid you forget someone).  You simply make cookies for Santa. Santa is the only reason to make cookies, point blank.  The tree, to a child, is put there to zone out into every night, and shake each and every present and inspect them closely to guess every gift under there, even if its not for them.  To a child everyone is always happy around Christmas, as we know this it not really true, they think that solely because of the man they see all fourteen times they go to Safeway in December, who stands outside with his red bucket.  He smiles and says Merry Christmas, lets you ring his little bell, and gives you a huge smile as you slip a green piece of paper into his red bucket.  I mean, EVERYONE is happy around Christmas time right?

In conclusion, i realize that Christmas is pretty much just for little kids which is why I am happy to say that I am in the hospital RIGHT NOW, waiting for my beautiful sister-in-law to have baby Lily.  Another child to have fun on the Holidays with.  I cant wait to see her face when she opens presents, when she is laughing and running around, and of course when i teach her her first dance lesson. Oh Lily we cant wait to meet you.....TODAY!

just sayin.

Have you ever wondered why people start the carrerrs they do? Like what sparked their interest in these things? For example.  What, is a guy at a bar with his buddies, having some beers, 'shootin the shit' and whatever, and Ron just goes "ya know what guys....i'm gonna start a waste business.  Yep, thats right. I'm gonna go around and collect everyones trash!! like, EVERYONES then i'm gonna squish all together and put it somewhere.  Maybe bury it, maybe burn it, maybe just pile it up in the ocean, who knows, but thats what i'm gonna do! It will be great, we can get giant trucks to put everyones random garbage in, and it will all be ours! we can hire fellow trash lovers to help us it will be niiiiiccceeee"

Or what about a morgue.  Like I heard an advertisement for a mortuary on the radio today. Is that something you normally advertise for??? Like ah we gotta bury Grandpa today, which morgue should we choose? OOOO OO I saw a really good one on tv today! It has nice prices, plenty of tissues, and top of the line white rose caskets.  Then it made me thing, who would randomly open a morgue? Someones just like "Yes, i want a place where people are always sad, ALWAYS, and crying of course.  I want a collection of caskets, flowers everywhere, and we will put people into the ground all along my property.  It will be just lovely.  Thank god for the people who do think this way, i suppose in a funny way, but I cant imagine it.
I know some people work at these places, because its all they can find, or it pays good, or good hours, but who opens up these businesses? just sayin.

will we have a Lily for Christmas?!

As you know, the holidays and 'right around the corner'.  Almost exactly one year ago i posted a blog about how much I wasn't in the Christmas spirit, and how nothing around me put me in the Christmas mood.  This year is quite different.  Although I don't have NEAR as many decorations, or people being like "oooo christmas" every ten seconds, or even as much snow, I am in the mood to share the gifts, surprises (kinda), and time with my family.  I am also enjoying xmas with many new people this year who will be in my life forever.  Three of which are the best friends I could ever ask for, Jason (of course), Amy and Eddie.  Although I am so excited, I realize that xmas is a week and 3 days away, then it will be over.  Do you ever feel all that hype is a little.....over the top?, xmas shopping, wrapping, cards, cookies, decorations, money, money, monies!!! then you wake up on December 25th and its over. wild.  I cant wait to see how this one pans out.....shoot.  speaking of which, i need to (not only finish the xmas shopping) but FIGURE OUT what i'm getting everyone. eeeeexcellent.

Also, I have already come up with my New Years resolution. It is epic and in detail and I cannot wait to start it.  (in fact I may start early).  I suggest everyone start thinking of theirs, even in the holiday mumble jumble, or else you will find yourself on new years eve without one, and resort to one that is stupid, unplanned out, and impossible to complete like "lose weight" or w/e.  so get busy you!!! I will be waiting to hear what they are.

On another note, i simply CAN NOT WAIT for my new niece to arrive. like for reals. i cant wait. so on with the show Amy.... :) jk. although I know you would love the show to go on asap as well.  I have a niece and a nephew already, but they live in a completely different state as me, and i have seen my niece like once. wow. I can wait to watch my new niece, miss Lily, grow up just two.....yes TWO, streets down from me.  I will babysit her and teach her all my crazy dancer ways. heh heh heh. so the question remains......Will We Have A Lily For Christmas?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

The rest of the blog is all just ranting:

Speaking of dance... I had a very interesting and fun show not too long ago.  I have a LOT of support there (thank you jay, mom, dad, amy, eddie) and a lot of people supporting in their heart.  I wasn't expecting it to be that fun of a show, it wasnt as big, i'm not in company blah blah. but seeing the reaction on the faces of the audience always makes any show worth while.  No matter the reason they are there. <3
I am also prospecting a new job in the dance world just down the street in my new little town of which I live.  I really REALLY hope this job pulls through.  I haven't wanted something this bad (of this context) in  a long time.

Had another one of those 'trips' today to phx.  yes, the orange vanilla sunscreen-like gloves and everything.  more disappointments like always. but someone said "its almost over don't worry" then went on to add "haha i know i know, everyone told me that in a different situation of mine, and it didnt make me feel better" but the fact that they added that part DID make me feel better, so thank you. It will be over soon enough. and all will be well ta ta for now.

do you ever....

Do you ever find the perfect present for someone. the PERFECT present.  Like all these years around christmas time, you had spent hours looking for a present this person would at least like, or find use of, and you the found the perfect one..... but then you remember they passed away a little while back.  almost makes you wanna get it anyway.

Or what about putting something somewhere where you know you wont find it in forever.  but you put it there anyway.  Like today.  I love those free itunes songs cards you can get from starbucks.  I got one today, and put it in the back pocket of my pants (that i hardly wear) with this exactly thougth going through my head "i wonder how long it will take me to find this card again....hmmm". 

OR that random cute store.  You always walk past it and make a mental note to stop there someday.  But why not just stop there now?  You're obviously not in that much of a hurry, because you are walking, but still you pass it and put it on the back burner. once again. 

why do we do these things i wonder.... or maybe i only do them. hmmmmmmmm.

PS

I forgot almost the more important part...which may have been the reason for the post, on the way back while counting cop cars i saw something....two of something that completely made my day. TWO left4dead2 billoards. Magical.

Trip to Casa Grande

Another one of those day trips to Casa Grande. The whole drive there i'm too tired to think of anything so i just listen to the "new hiphop (96.3 todays best hiphop and R&B)" on the phx stations. its that or the mexican music...which isnt too bad. Changing the station of course to country music as soon as i hit Casa Grande limits, becuase not doing that is like driving up the coast of California and never stopping to let your toes sink in the sand. But speaking of hiphop music I thought i had seen it all. I thought Lil Wayne had paired up and made a duet with everyone possible. but SOME HOW i forgot Fergie-ferg....how this one slipped my mind still puzzles me... and funny how the knew sound effect of choice in hip-hop music is the air horn often heard at basketball games.... ?
There is something about this doctors office that always gets me. The way his orange-vanilla flavored gloves (which freaked me out at first till i remembered he's an orthadontist) really smell like the best sunscreen you can imagine. He whistles to every country western song that comes on without missing a beat. Asks every patient about their life, remembering details. "He there mike, so this saturday is your last soccer game eh?" Randomly taking the phone from one of his latino patients to talk to their parent speaking in complete fluent spanish. Each chair with its own movie, so i can watch The Little Mermaid over and over again in one day..... And then there is the "blue" room which his wife apparently decopaused (cant spell) with pictures from his family's scuba diving trip. Normally you would think "wow way to rub your money in our face" but 80% of the pictures are of the intreaging sea animals which makes the xrays and pictures much more relaxing. Somehow though I always leave this place in the worst mood. Like he has done everything right, over the top even, i'm not even paying that much yet I never get news I like to hear. I'm sure there will be only one time i leave this place estatic, and that will be close to the last time i visit.
The drive back is usually the time to reflect on my life, think about how it would be if the world, for once, was in perfect harmony with all its living things. or choreograph of course. Not this time though, as i sat in "rush hour" i decided to dance in my car and count cop cars. There were 14 by the way, from casa grande to Flagstaff all of which had someone pulled over. Except one, who was riding BY HIMSELF in the carpool lane at 4 in the afternoon. Sorry...but you are not exempt to the rules unless there is an emergency and you are flashing your pretty red and blue lights. After i got out of rush hour, which turned out to really be one car pulled to the side becuase of a flat tire, i zoned back into choreography mode. t'was an eventfull trip which led me to come home, change and rush straight to dance, then back home for too much homework causing me to skip out on my first class.....and second. :O oh well, i'm coninvinced i wouldnt have learned much anyhoo....now that i'm done i'm not really sure where i was going with this blog.... but no backing down now. Post! vedo if you'd like.

purely inevitable

All the good people in the world were walking their dogs on this fine winter day. I, though, couldnt stop thinking about a hot shower. The hottest shower imaginable. So hot....it almost hurts when you get in. I'm the kind of girl who sits in the car for a few minutes to listen to a song. Even if its on a cd that I could listen to later. Im the kind of person that values family and friends over money, but yet if i were shopping at a store alone and found the cutest shirt i had ever seen for 12 bucks, i wouldnt "waste the money"....what does that mean.

I couldnt wait to put in my two weeks at my place of employment. I thrived on it. that is how i got threw the work days, but now that I know monday is my last shift, I find a soft, sad spot somewhere. Little things like how i have memorized every single salsa song they play, how i will never find sourcream cilantro sauce anywhere else, how the people know me and my crazyness, and how i was actually appreciated. The owner said something to me today (whom i wasnt even sure knew my name) that really made me feel special. It isnt that bad of a job really....

As everyday passes I realize more and more that I need to coreograph. I dont think you understand that i NEED it. Everytime I find myself stressed, or in a odd position, i hear an enticive song and instantly coreography the entire song in my head. Maybe its not that special, and really everyone does this when they hear a song, but i dwell on it. I know every detail that matches the beat. I know how many dancers there will be, and what they will look like. When i am thinking of these dances, i am in a trance and everything else melts. I know if people saw my work they would like it, I cant say that about much else I come up with. The question is how... I want to watch someone do my choreography, to slide into the movement like it was what they were ment to do. And really feel the music. The roll they are playing when they dance it is their life at the moment, and everyone believes it.

I've realized lately that your closest friends all have a quality that you envy. Something that they are so flawless at, and you just cant understand it. Amy it is not only your incredible talent through words and your way of expressing yourself, but the will to stick with something you love no matter what. Eddie it is your work ethicics. I hardly hear you complain about having to go to work although i know it makes you sick to your stomach every time you have to walk out that door. You will always be the one so dependable, never breaks. Mom it is the passion to keep your life the way you want it no matter what. When you and dad didnt have a dime to your name you traded your guns for a small trailor because you WANTED it. You wanted to live in that trailor so bad and you did it. You wanted to deal poker, to sell real estate, own a resturant, own other shops, do your own taxes, raise a family, make your family happy, things that most people would look into the effort and brush it off thinking it as impossible. Nothing is impossible to you. Nothing. Dad it is beating the odds. Everyone who has the education that you do does nothing with their life right? not you. The most successful person I know, and never do you take it for granted. and Jason it is everything, that is why i love you. But one thing that absolutely blows my mind is how you think. Someone could think they are making intelligent remarks and comments but you pull the logics of it and make sense of everything. I cant really explain how you do this, but it amazes me. But more so it is how i can tell how much you really care for me, even in my crazy ways. I wouldnt say all of this btw if i didnt know the 3, maybe 4 people who will read this.

I'm not sure how comfortable I am writting this, and not just keeping the thought in my head. I go back and forth with this issue every time i write a blog. so once again, not promises how long this will be up. I'm sure when you read this it will seem like the most random, boring thing you have ever seen....but thats okay. thats all for now.

what about the layers?

have you ever felt as though everything you touch breaks. Like you are some giant monster (a transformer maybe :P) in a home of a human, or better yet...a little person... (corrected for eddie) and you just want to pick up something to look at it, accidentally crushing it inbetween your fingers. Dust is all that remains. Of course when this happen everyone shreiks and gets upset and you feel like the worst person in the world. Saying you're sorry, and trying to put it back together, failing....
Even to the point where you hug someone and they go "oooouuuch!" cuz their arm was in a bad position and you just tweaked it to misery. Or someone sits on a bed, so you go sit on it with them and it skweaks and sounds like its gonna die...or better yet, it collapses!!! (this has happened to me). After a while it gets so frustrating. Put on a shirt, it rips. Open a box of cereal, you rip the little part that helps you close it. Get in your car, the tire goes flat. (okay....maybe not)...

but still....these days are torture i tell you. torture. Its like living like an Ogre....well at least they have layers.

rant-ollage

Things that bother me today:
1. Running around town to find a stupid video for a class that I should have already watched, and never finding it.
2. Waiting about 7 minutes for a video to load on facebook just for it to have a litte box pop up that says ;laksjoir3984uqorija; error, and all you can do is push the only button available that says "okay" as if saying "its cool, no worries i'll come back and waste more of my time later"....no its not "OKAY".....
3. Working with stupid human beings and making only 25 dollars. If you see me sitting with over 100 empty salt and pepper shakers that need to be filled in 15 minutes before we open, and you are standing around doing nothing....what should one do??? Apparently this is a higher level thinking question. So excited to do it all over again tomorrow night!!
4. Not getting days off that i requested weeks ago for doctors appointments. I'm not going to reschedule them...sorry :/
5. Dance tonight with no Janelle and soar throat. aka going to miss so you think you can dance YET AGAIN.

Things i do like about today:
1. Buying Amy and Eddies EPIC birthday present :)
2. one step closer to the weekend.

why not?

Ever have those mornings where you wake up and pour your cereal in a bowl because you're supposed to, thats what you do every morning.  Suddenly realizing i'm not hungry I pour half back.... but still keep and force down half, just because. It's kinda like when I'm at work, and everyone else is drinking water so i find myself guilty for wanting cherry pepsi in that styrofoam cup of mine.  Why not? why not drink a pepsi! i start to wonder aloud.  Then the 5'2" loud mouth girl who was later fired that day (forcing me to stay longer) pipes in "Because it's bad for you!"...... yea?.... bad for you?... well so is that fatty enchilada your about to consume. hmmmm. I believe i'll be the judge as to what's bad for me or not. but don't hold me to that.  

This brings me to my ultimate safe harbor. "why not".  whenever i am feeling guilty for something stupid like a cherry coke, or a lazy weekend i'll just say that phrase.  If i cant think of a reason that ultimately (but quickly) leads to death or despair, i wont hesitate another moment.  As I'm writing this, I'm really thinking its just the mood I'm in at the moment, and i'll randomly change my mind later on. who knows. 

Do you ever think about how sometimes we get so caught up in looking forward to things that we never experience them?  I feel like i spend most my time looking forward to something so much that by the time its there, and I'm in that moment, i've already moved on and am wasting my time looking forward to something else. Why do i do that?? why cant everything just come as a pleasant surprise...i think i'll work on that.

As a conclusion I have to say that this blog has no relevance to the world and i was pretty much just rambling.  I wont have many blogs like this one, most will seem a bit random at first but go into something worth reading.  maybe.  For those who will read my other thoughts just know: I'm a horrible speller (I hate this, but there is nothing i will do about it for now), I wont capitalize the letter "i" unless it puts a red squiggly under it which drives me to insanity, and I tend to switch tenses a lot (i am working on this one for reals). but its the thought that counts right? goodbye for now.