purely inevitable

All the good people in the world were walking their dogs on this fine winter day. I, though, couldnt stop thinking about a hot shower. The hottest shower imaginable. So hot....it almost hurts when you get in. I'm the kind of girl who sits in the car for a few minutes to listen to a song. Even if its on a cd that I could listen to later. Im the kind of person that values family and friends over money, but yet if i were shopping at a store alone and found the cutest shirt i had ever seen for 12 bucks, i wouldnt "waste the money"....what does that mean.

I couldnt wait to put in my two weeks at my place of employment. I thrived on it. that is how i got threw the work days, but now that I know monday is my last shift, I find a soft, sad spot somewhere. Little things like how i have memorized every single salsa song they play, how i will never find sourcream cilantro sauce anywhere else, how the people know me and my crazyness, and how i was actually appreciated. The owner said something to me today (whom i wasnt even sure knew my name) that really made me feel special. It isnt that bad of a job really....

As everyday passes I realize more and more that I need to coreograph. I dont think you understand that i NEED it. Everytime I find myself stressed, or in a odd position, i hear an enticive song and instantly coreography the entire song in my head. Maybe its not that special, and really everyone does this when they hear a song, but i dwell on it. I know every detail that matches the beat. I know how many dancers there will be, and what they will look like. When i am thinking of these dances, i am in a trance and everything else melts. I know if people saw my work they would like it, I cant say that about much else I come up with. The question is how... I want to watch someone do my choreography, to slide into the movement like it was what they were ment to do. And really feel the music. The roll they are playing when they dance it is their life at the moment, and everyone believes it.

I've realized lately that your closest friends all have a quality that you envy. Something that they are so flawless at, and you just cant understand it. Amy it is not only your incredible talent through words and your way of expressing yourself, but the will to stick with something you love no matter what. Eddie it is your work ethicics. I hardly hear you complain about having to go to work although i know it makes you sick to your stomach every time you have to walk out that door. You will always be the one so dependable, never breaks. Mom it is the passion to keep your life the way you want it no matter what. When you and dad didnt have a dime to your name you traded your guns for a small trailor because you WANTED it. You wanted to live in that trailor so bad and you did it. You wanted to deal poker, to sell real estate, own a resturant, own other shops, do your own taxes, raise a family, make your family happy, things that most people would look into the effort and brush it off thinking it as impossible. Nothing is impossible to you. Nothing. Dad it is beating the odds. Everyone who has the education that you do does nothing with their life right? not you. The most successful person I know, and never do you take it for granted. and Jason it is everything, that is why i love you. But one thing that absolutely blows my mind is how you think. Someone could think they are making intelligent remarks and comments but you pull the logics of it and make sense of everything. I cant really explain how you do this, but it amazes me. But more so it is how i can tell how much you really care for me, even in my crazy ways. I wouldnt say all of this btw if i didnt know the 3, maybe 4 people who will read this.

I'm not sure how comfortable I am writting this, and not just keeping the thought in my head. I go back and forth with this issue every time i write a blog. so once again, not promises how long this will be up. I'm sure when you read this it will seem like the most random, boring thing you have ever seen....but thats okay. thats all for now.

what about the layers?

have you ever felt as though everything you touch breaks. Like you are some giant monster (a transformer maybe :P) in a home of a human, or better yet...a little person... (corrected for eddie) and you just want to pick up something to look at it, accidentally crushing it inbetween your fingers. Dust is all that remains. Of course when this happen everyone shreiks and gets upset and you feel like the worst person in the world. Saying you're sorry, and trying to put it back together, failing....
Even to the point where you hug someone and they go "oooouuuch!" cuz their arm was in a bad position and you just tweaked it to misery. Or someone sits on a bed, so you go sit on it with them and it skweaks and sounds like its gonna die...or better yet, it collapses!!! (this has happened to me). After a while it gets so frustrating. Put on a shirt, it rips. Open a box of cereal, you rip the little part that helps you close it. Get in your car, the tire goes flat. (okay....maybe not)...

but still....these days are torture i tell you. torture. Its like living like an Ogre....well at least they have layers.